Pabila hati mula gusar...

Pabila hati mula gusar

Assalammualaikum. Hi.

So i've done a lot of thinking lately. Thoughts like my future and what's in store for me. Whether or not i'll be sponsored to further my studies. Will my dreams of studying abroad come true?

Insecurities and uncertainties certainly didn't help me find peace. Waiting for results and news only intensifies my anxieties.
What with seeing my peers being 5 steps ahead of me, some with offers and whatnot. While i, hadn't even gotten so much as anything. Nothing.

As i the likelihood of not receiving any kind of offers comes crashing down on me, i felt panic building inside me. Tertiary education is expensive, how ever would my parents find the resources to fund me? Macam mana kalau kena masuk matriks? Not that i'm against it or anything but never once had i considered it.
Though i strongly deny it but deep down i was getting a little envious with what my friends are achieving. It was subtle but the twinge of jealousy was existent nonetheless. 

I might come off as optimistic and cheery but slowly as time passed by, i grew bitter.

But then as i lay on bed, wanting sleep to engulf me, i thought of the person i'm becoming. And i began to worry. Macam ni ke aku sabar hadapi ujian Allah? Apa guna aku mengaji solat kalau aku tidak ikhlas dan redha terima ketentuan Allah? It dawned on me that all of my worries are diverting me from my original path. If i claim to be a servant of Allah that tries her best to worship Him, is it not natural for me to have absolute faith towards Him? After all, Allah is the best of all planners.

For a moment there, i was beginning to slip away. Minta dijauhkan bagi kita semua.

Dan aku mula tenang. Alhamdulillah.

Kalau masuk matriks pun, it's is not a bad thing, kan?

I'm not ed oked. Nor am i pious.
I'm just someone with nugget like fingers in the pursuit of being a better Muslim, towards Allah's redha.
Remember people, when in doubt, search Allah.